I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but I need to explain that I was really angry at God over Hope's bowel surgery. I had prayed that God would heal her and expected that he would. He didn't. Whenever anyone expressed how great it was that her surgery went well, I cringed. I hadn't wanted her to have it at all, so I wasn't thrilled that she "only" had 6 cm removed. I sat and watched my 3 lb daughter grimacing in pain and needing morphine for several days. She was dropping her heart rate and oxygen saturation levels like she did when she was brand new. I found very little to be thankful for.
I calmed down some and thought I was over being mad. Then I got a call at 5 pm after I'd left for the day. I was waiting in line to get a flu shot when Hope's nurse called and said the opthamologist wanted to speak with me. She informed me that Hope's ROP had gotten worse and she was scheduled for surgery the next morning at 9:30. I got my flu shot and walked out to my car. I got in and proceded to scream at God until I was hoarse. I don't remember all that I said, but the general idea was this: "You said, 'Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!' But all your giving me lately is rocks! These are not good gifts!" I stayed angry for about a week and a half. I really felt like God was not hearing or answering when I prayed, so I stopped.
I've finally made peace with the path we're on. It doesn't make sense to me that God would save Hope so miraculously and then allow her to suffer so much. I don't understand why He did not answer our prayers for healing. I don't know why other babies born at this stage get off so much easier than Hope. But I do believe that God has a plan for Hope and that she is going to be who He designed her to be.
That said, this whole thing with the PIC line was something I really needed. You see, on Tuesday I went in to see Hope and I was getting ready to take her temperature. I opened up her outfit and saw that she was really swollen on the right side of her chest. Long story short, something went wrong with the PIC line and fluid was going into her tissue rather than her vein. There is really no reason this should have happened. It is very rare that they have problems like this with the PIC lines and I don't think it is prone to happen on one that has been in place for awhile. I think the nurse practicioner was nervous that I was going to freak out over this happening, but I was actually very relieved. Ever since she started fighting this infection, I have been worried about the PIC line. They can be a source of infection and I was really debating whether I should ask to have it removed. It is kind of a pain to put in PIC lines, so they don't like to mess with them if they don't have to. I was really unsure of what to do. So when this happened, I told the nurse practicioner, "Maybe this is God's way of telling us the PIC needs to come out." Turns out... it was.
It was really good to see that God is watching over my daughter. Nothing escapes his notice and nothing comes her way that He doesn't allow. I needed that reminder.
Okay, so really quickly I'm going to fill you in on the rest of her progress. She is doing great with her feeds. She is up to 22 ml every 3 hours and has eaten all of them out of a bottle today. She is up to 2070 grams, or 4 lb 9 oz. And the surgeon thought that the spot on her stoma was nothing to worry about. Whew!