I have had some really angry posts lately. I'm sorry. I know you have all been trying to show me your love and I do appreciate it. I have felt really hurt and abandoned by God. I have said things to Him that I won't repeat. I know I have let many of you down, and that was hard, but I can't pretend things are okay. I know many of you think that I'm acting like a spoiled child who's stamping her foot and demanding her own way. I get it that it's not all about me. If it was just about me, believe me, I would have stopped way short of the places I've gone. But my little girl is hurting. Every day I go and see her little body with so many tubes that I can hardly pick her up. I see the marks from the many heel pricks they do to her all the time. I see her swelling up with fluids and watch her turning red and crying as she tries to move the stuff in her bowels. I look into her eyes which are yellow from the jaundice that she's gotten from being on IV fluids for so long. And I hurt worse than I thought it was possible to hurt. I want to make it stop. She has been through so much. Everyone tells me how tough she is and I know it's true. But I don't want her to have to be tough any more. I want her to be able to rest. So I'm sorry if I've gotten a little frantic lately. I just want it to stop! And now we're looking at not being able to go home until January or February. And that makes me hurt not just for Hope, but for the other kids as well. They have been troopers, but they still need a mom too. And Mike is working so hard to keep things together. And I am here, away from them, and still unable to help Hope. And quite frankly, I don't want this to be my life.
So what do I need from you? Not philosophy and theology. I want you to cry out to God on behalf of my baby girl. Please ask Him to make the pain stop. And cry with me. Hope's doctor held my hand last night and cried with me. I so needed that. I needed to know that he understood and that he hurt for what she was going through. That's what I need right now.
But regardless, it was wrong for me to take my anger out on you. Please forgive me.
I hope no one was offended, Amy, and I'm sure every one of your friends forgives you and loves you. It's so hard to know what to say. We love you, we love Hope and we are weeping with you. we sit at home and read your blog and we shed tears and cry out to God. There are maybe hundreds of people doing this every day. But it is almost impossible to know what to write in the comments section. Most of us have not been in such a deep valley and those that have know that words are so cheap. Please don't be angry with us for our lame attempts to connect with you and comfort you. Please forgive us for saying the wrong thing when we have no idea what to say at all but want to at least try to say something so you know you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteAmy we heard your cry, and so did God. I know you know this, but it may just be too much for you at this point in your life, that God is big enough to take our screaming at Him in our pain because we hurt so much. He understands as none of the rest of us do, just what you are going through. And perhaps your posting your frustration and grief over this has helped some of us understand better. I know it has me. I began to process the realities and thought of how you are there in Portland by yourself in that granny flat so much of the time. You go to see Hope during the day as much as you can, but aren't able to hug those other precious babies of yours. You go to bed at night without Mike's loving arms to hold you and say "it's going to be alright". And I thought as well of what Mike and the other children are going through being in Moscow without you. It just can't be easy for any of you, and none of us out here can begin to feel it with you. All we can do is try to understand and keep on praying for all of you. I've had a few questions from prayer warriors I have on the team for you, and as I tried to answer their questions regarding why you were railing against God so, it helped me to work through a better understanding for myself. Believe me, you are being loved and prayed for by many who will never know you personally in this lifetime. And I am also praying that your situation will be a blessing to some and one day you'll be able to realize that perhaps some will know our Lord because of you and little Hope.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much. You are good friends.
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